I’m sure most of you aspiring or current parents know about the importance of teaching your kids the multitude of life lessons they need to learn to cope with the increasingly complex world out there.
Of course, on top of having puny (but fast-developing) brains to have the mental and emotional capacity to process complex emotions, they also lack practical, situational experiences they need to truly understand such lessons.
Since it’s a crazy, dangerous world out there, especially for young children, parents can’t help but shelter their kids from real-life experiences. So a lot of them simply get stuck with playing with their toys. While a lot of these toys may help with the child’s physical, mental and emotional development, they’re simply not enough.Legos, dolls, toy cars, ain’t gonna help your kid learn about life!
But worry no more.
I gave this some thought, went to my lab (i.e. the couch in front of my TV), and drew up some great ideas for toys that MAY teach your kids some important grown-up life lessons, within the comfort of your own home.
(Disclaimer: While I am going to be a future father, I am neither a toy designer, a professional in child psychology, nor an expert in child safety. I’ll deal with the kinks in case an actual toy company becomes interested in one of these ideas.)
1. Matryoshka Easter Eggs 
A hybrid between those Russian Matryoshka Dolls and good ‘ol Easter Eggs that blends the fun of endlessly discovering smaller and smaller eggs inside with the satisfaction of a small chocolate treat at the end — only to find out that the treat opens up to MORE Easter Eggs. This intricate toy can teach your child the value of persistence through a journey of discovery, or at the very least help develop his/her motor skills as he/she may constantly throw the toy at you out of frustration.
2. The Life Calculator
Can’t wait to teach your kids about the birds and the bees or life and death? Of course you SHOULD wait! The little tike’s not old enough to understand this stuff. BUT, you can ease him/her into these eventual important discussions with the Life Calculator: a simple device that “calculates” important cause and effect scenarios through visuals and simple math. This device can abstractly teach your child about countless life scenarios including:
- Where do babies come from?
- Why is daddy becoming fat?
- What happens when real-life Simba meets a person
and even more situations like:
- who will win in a fight? a Lion or a Shark?
- when dogs use mobile phones
- is it safe to drink and drive?
- what happens when you put cheese on fat people?
Disclaimer: Actual life scenario explanations not included. Expect an eventual barrage of questions from your child. Parents are advised to either prepare their answers carefully or to go with the standard “ask your uncle/auntie/grandparents” response.
3. Perma-Stick Legos
It’s important for children to know that there are no do-overs in life (until Neil deGrasse Tyson figures out time travel / travel to parallel universes). Why not have a means for them to figure out this concept through Legos….that permanently stick? Accidentally stuck a red block in your fully blue fortress? Whoops! You should’ve had the long-term foresight and planning before doing that, little buddy. This toy teaches kids to think before they act, else they risk attaching a Lego flower on their almost super cool spaceship.
4. The Multi-Gender Toy Box of Wonder
In a progressive future where the lines of gender stereotypes are becoming increasingly blurred, it is crucial for children not to get stuck in the cliches that society may place on them. So before the outside world imposes their gender stereotypes into your precious, liberal, hippie child, let them explore their own gender identities with a box of mixed “boy” and “girl” toys, clothing and other items.
Let your little dude know it’s okay to wear a dress while shooting a toy laser gun, while your little princess wears a sports jersey while combing her doll’s hair.
Disclaimer: The toy box of wonder holds no responsibility for contributing to the eventual sexual orientation of your child. Not that it matters, because you’ll still love them no matter who they become, right?
5. The Forgive-A-Bear
Forgiveness is life-long lesson that even adults take time to learn. So let’s get cracking with your kids while they’re young with the Forgive-A-Bear, a super huggable plush toy, that will give a sudden, surprising and annoying jolt of vibration at any random time when your child doesn’t expect it, after which it will play an “I’m sorry” recording in a super adorable voice that will make your child think twice about tossing it in the garbage.
WARNING: Parents are encouraged to turn off the jolt switch eventually, once the child has learned to forgive the thing to prevent instilling a lifelong sense of distrust towards the world on their kid.
6. Always-Scoring Basketball Court
Those precious little ones who are taking up competitive sports, to every parent they’re always a winner, despite their actual suckage. With the Always-Scoring Basket Court, each parent can enhance their overbearing encouragement to their child. Missed a basket? 2 Points! Ball hit daddy on his balls? 2 points, plus daddy forgives you! Ball crashed into the annoying neighbor’s window? 10 bazillion points! No matter what your kid does, he/she is always a champ!
Also available for the following sports:
- Always-Scoring Football Goal (which says the word “GOAL!” in 10 different languages – which means it will always say “GOAL!”)
- Always-Scoring Billiard Table (the table surface is slanted towards all the holes)
- Always-Scoring Chess Board (any piece can move anywhere the kid wants and take any piece)
WARNING: May cause extreme delusions of grandeur. Parents are advised to adjust the scoring mechanism accordingly.
7. Predator Plush Costumes
It’s a dangerous world of wild animals out there! And they always smell fear! So why not teach your kids NOT to be afraid of these dangerous predators, by wearing them as cute, fun costumes. And not just wear them, wear them as if they were being attacked by them. Not only do you teach them about animal predators, you can also parade them as the coolest kids on the block during halloween. Good job, cool mom and dad!
WARNING: May cause a morbid fascination towards animals’ predatory instinct and/or a certain lack of fear of death. Parents are highly encouraged to actually take their kids to the zoo and actually tell them that these things are dangerous.
8. Time Limit LED Rubik’s Cube
Your child will need to deal with uncertainty and time-pressures coming into adolescence, and eventually into adulthood. Give him/her a leg up in an increasingly competitive world with this extremely challenging Rubik’s cube. Apart from discovering that your child may be super-genius in spatial and pattern recognition, every time he/she is close to solving it, the LED embedded screens will randomly change patterns. If the child doesn’t solve the cube within a time limit, it will squirt non-toxic, disgusting slime on his face. Your child will be trained to think on his/her feet, motivated by the looming threat of gunk being splashed all over himself.
Now you know that life just unexpectedly throws you random, unexpected crap. You’re welcome little buddy.
I’ll take that money now Hasbro / Mattell / Fisher-Price. 🙂
humid monkey 